Telling this to go away is like telling the stars to stop shining

[sweetprince]

I'm tired, you guys. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with everything and disappointed in myself. I gained a lot of weight in college, as my mother must perrenially remind me. I've started running again now that I'm home and don't have to worry about getting mugged at gun point, but it's not like it's all melting off. The minute I start freaking out about my appearance, it's like all the other shit comes creeping in.

I'm frustrated and disappointed with my writing and my school work and my decisions. I'm sitting here plagued by doubts. About everything. I'm a walking conflicted-doubt machine person. I'm torn between thinking "I AM WONDERFUL, WHERE ARE MY ACOLYTES?" and "I hate myself and I shall amount to shredded paper for the rest of my life." I think it's time they come up with a new disorder--manic narcissism or something.

So what do I do, guys? The obvious solution would be to smoke so much pot I simply don't care about ANYTHING other than my next toke, but then I would probably become more rotund rather than less. And I'd probably have a paranoid schizoid episode and even THAT would be spoiled.

I'm just so lonely. Even when I'm with friends. I want to feel wanted for something, like I'm doing something right, rather than the constant litany of why aren't I good enough?

Comments

[lekkerstuk.livejournal.com]

Hey sweetie, buck up cowgirl! Don't worry about your mom commenting on your weight. I long ago realized that that is just something that Dutch people do ad nauseum.

I'm sure there is an actual technical term or something in the DSM, but I call it a "shit spiral." If you are a bit of a perfectionist, if one thing goes wrong, it is hard to stop yourself from skidding out of control. It's all very all-or-nothing. I know because I'm like this too. Everything is connected to each other, including you writing and your mood and your weight. After a bad day I'll just say "fuck it." I might as well just not do my laundry/eat this whole pizza/not take a shower/not go out with my friends cause I already feel like shit anyways.

Now this may be bad advice (since no one ever asks me for advice I'm not very good at it), but sometimes you just need to force yourself do do something you normally enjoy, as a way of breaking out of the "shit spiral." Go out with your friends even if you are afraid you'll be bad company. Read one of your favorite books or stories.

Just remember how many people care about you. We barely know each other and I want you to feel better!

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

It was good advice. I put on loud music and danced around while I folded the laundry.

"Slow ride, take it easy."

[lekkerstuk.livejournal.com]

Nice! I always forget how cathartic music can be. I'm glad you're doing better.