Telling this to go away is like telling the stars to stop shining

[sweetprince]

I'm tired, you guys. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with everything and disappointed in myself. I gained a lot of weight in college, as my mother must perrenially remind me. I've started running again now that I'm home and don't have to worry about getting mugged at gun point, but it's not like it's all melting off. The minute I start freaking out about my appearance, it's like all the other shit comes creeping in.

I'm frustrated and disappointed with my writing and my school work and my decisions. I'm sitting here plagued by doubts. About everything. I'm a walking conflicted-doubt machine person. I'm torn between thinking "I AM WONDERFUL, WHERE ARE MY ACOLYTES?" and "I hate myself and I shall amount to shredded paper for the rest of my life." I think it's time they come up with a new disorder--manic narcissism or something.

So what do I do, guys? The obvious solution would be to smoke so much pot I simply don't care about ANYTHING other than my next toke, but then I would probably become more rotund rather than less. And I'd probably have a paranoid schizoid episode and even THAT would be spoiled.

I'm just so lonely. Even when I'm with friends. I want to feel wanted for something, like I'm doing something right, rather than the constant litany of why aren't I good enough?

Comments

[immoralilly.livejournal.com]

Look! It's Jared Padalecki dancing NAKED!

By which I mean, *hugs*

[dreamerkiwi.livejournal.com]

*hugs* We think you're wonderful **more hugs**

[smidgy06.livejournal.com]

Dude, we need to get together and go bowling because hear hear!

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Dearheart, I don't know what to tell you that you'll listen to or agree with. I go through the same feelings at least once a week and hell, if I knew how to fix these times, believe me I'd share it with you.

You have nothing to worry about in regards to your writing - you know how incredible and creative it is. And no one is wonderful all the time, especially not to themselves. But you're wonderful enough for all your friends, and that means something.

I don't know what to tell you about school or anything but I'm happy to talk to you about it, or just listen (you could even call me, omg). I wish I could offer something more...but you know how I feel about naked Jared. :p

[perpetualloser.livejournal.com]

Aw, chicky. Sometimes when I feel like you at the moment, (and trust me, it happens more frequently than I'd like to admit) I get in my car and basically get lost. I drive backroads and vary between singing to Kelly Clarkson and simply talking my way through everything. Eventually, I come to the conclusion that I'm not as horrible as I make myself out to be. And instead of thinking about the problems, I reason solutions. Even if they're absurd or illogical, sometimes it just helps.
Or... if you find anyone to tie naked to a pole, I can offer you my services. :p

[magikalrhiannon.livejournal.com]

Huh. No wonder I wanted to get to know you better. My husband has OCD (among others). I totally get what you say a lot of the time - I'm just not that great at expressing it myself. Personally I think the obsessions are harder than the compulsions because a) it's not visible, and b) it's just as hard to stop as the compulsions.

I know what you mean about feeling lonely even when you're surrounded by people. I have no ideas to make it better though, I'm sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't, other than trying to focus on the positive than the negative. Easier said than done sometimes though. Chin up love, it'll get better I'm sure.

[cerberos.livejournal.com]

Dear Lauren,

You're hot.

Love,
Meredith

P.S. My mother's been on me about my weight, too - it may just be a mother thing, rather than there being an actual, legitimate problem.
Also, this is pretty much how I felt for the entirety of June. And the only thing I can say is that I hope one day you wake up and realize that it's not true that you're doing everything wrong or unwanted.
When you doubt yourself, sometimes it's just a matter of having faith in other people to see what you can't at the moment.

[lekkerstuk.livejournal.com]

Hey sweetie, buck up cowgirl! Don't worry about your mom commenting on your weight. I long ago realized that that is just something that Dutch people do ad nauseum.

I'm sure there is an actual technical term or something in the DSM, but I call it a "shit spiral." If you are a bit of a perfectionist, if one thing goes wrong, it is hard to stop yourself from skidding out of control. It's all very all-or-nothing. I know because I'm like this too. Everything is connected to each other, including you writing and your mood and your weight. After a bad day I'll just say "fuck it." I might as well just not do my laundry/eat this whole pizza/not take a shower/not go out with my friends cause I already feel like shit anyways.

Now this may be bad advice (since no one ever asks me for advice I'm not very good at it), but sometimes you just need to force yourself do do something you normally enjoy, as a way of breaking out of the "shit spiral." Go out with your friends even if you are afraid you'll be bad company. Read one of your favorite books or stories.

Just remember how many people care about you. We barely know each other and I want you to feel better!

[poninepontmercy.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. You just described a lot of what I feel 90% of the time. I don't have any answers for you, otherwise I'd be a very different person. But I do have many, many hugs. That I will give you as soon as I see you again, but you will have to content yourself with virtual hugs for now.

Oh, and don't go the pot route. It's not worth it, trust me. See my most recent post.

[bananafish.livejournal.com]

1. DON'T listen to what your mother--or anyone else with a history of image problems--says about your weight. Okay, first of all, isn't it normal to gain weight freshman year? The 15 and all that? So you're not alone, at least. If it doesn't bother you, ignore them (yeah, easier said than done, I know...). If it does bother you (and has nothing to do with media brainwashing, etc), what worked for me was to find a substitute for food as an anxiety reducer (which I suspect might be part of this--that's my problem, at least). Music, getting out of the house, a bath, whatever. And dude, pot is totally overrated. It just worsens my anxiety.

YOU SAID LAST WEEK YOU LIKED YOUR WRITING! You were talking about how much you loved your blockbusters class and prof, and you have some idea what you would like to do with your life. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I had kind of gotten the idea you liked your history classes (Lauren? A history buff? Naah...)

If you find the disorder, tell me. I think that feeling isn't at all uncommon (though I tend to spend more of my life in the second mindset). I'd say just plow through the insecure times and enjoy the narcissistic ones if you can at all. Also, if you do amass acolytes, a masseuse would probably help ease tension.

No pot. (See above.) (True but unrelated story: Atrix's brother walks in on our discussion of how to curb my caffeine addiction right as she says "You know, I hear crack has similar effects. You should try that." He then explains, in complete seriousness, that we'll "be seeing a lot of cocaine in New York," probably within the first week of being there. I found this amusing because her brother is awkward, kind of like Max Fox.)

The obvious response to all of this life-shit is that you are good enough, you retard, and you need to start appreciating it. I hope that someday you will encounter, briefly, a group of insanely stupid, obnoxious people that make you realize how important intelligence and social grace are.

If we were in my car, I would put on Savage Garden's I Want You. (Put it on for me.)

Also, answer your phone, please.

[I just attempted to write "I love you, Lauren" in the accent of that priest in The Princess Bride, but your name came out as Wauwen, which kind of ruined it. Just so you know.]

[memphis86.livejournal.com]

Hi, I would have responded the other day but I was trying not to tear my own hair out and I couldn't say anything helpful or constructive.

Um, I think you're awesome. *hugs you* And I'm a wee bit tipsy and I'm a wordy philosophical drunk, so here goes: I emphasize completely with the rollercoaster of self-esteem and self-doubt. And there's no real answer for how to cure it, or how to live with it.

You just try and make things a little less sucky each day, and you have plenty of time to figure this all out. And you can't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect and loved and adored all the time, because NO ONE IS.

I think my point is, I'm sorry you're down. But things do get better over time, really. You just have to ride the freakouts through and get stronger. I hope that made sense. Blargh, I need sleep.

[thirtysec0nds.livejournal.com]

I know how it feels though that doesn't make it any better.

But this is up to you and no one else. You aren't happy with things? Then change them, step back, look at what you don't like and make plans to change it. Find the bright points of life and look at them rather than into the darkness. You my dear are a star, a star that others cluster around to reflect the amazing light that comes from you, but right now there isn't as much, do not doubt yourself because we all know you are a truely amazing and magnificent person. You are loved, so utterly, do not loose sight of that. Do what you need to and build yourself back up again.

I know you can, because I'm learning to do the same

[thirtysec0nds.livejournal.com]

oh and I did get the pot joke *laughs at the idea of you even looking at it* here have some custard and naked smexy men *passes over and holds out hands for the tv guide* now whats on tele hrmm