Telling this to go away is like telling the stars to stop shining

[sweetprince]

I'm tired, you guys. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with everything and disappointed in myself. I gained a lot of weight in college, as my mother must perrenially remind me. I've started running again now that I'm home and don't have to worry about getting mugged at gun point, but it's not like it's all melting off. The minute I start freaking out about my appearance, it's like all the other shit comes creeping in.

I'm frustrated and disappointed with my writing and my school work and my decisions. I'm sitting here plagued by doubts. About everything. I'm a walking conflicted-doubt machine person. I'm torn between thinking "I AM WONDERFUL, WHERE ARE MY ACOLYTES?" and "I hate myself and I shall amount to shredded paper for the rest of my life." I think it's time they come up with a new disorder--manic narcissism or something.

So what do I do, guys? The obvious solution would be to smoke so much pot I simply don't care about ANYTHING other than my next toke, but then I would probably become more rotund rather than less. And I'd probably have a paranoid schizoid episode and even THAT would be spoiled.

I'm just so lonely. Even when I'm with friends. I want to feel wanted for something, like I'm doing something right, rather than the constant litany of why aren't I good enough?

Comments

[immoralilly.livejournal.com]

Look! It's Jared Padalecki dancing NAKED!

By which I mean, *hugs*

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

Oh, Robin, thank you for putting up with my bull shit.

[dreamerkiwi.livejournal.com]

*hugs* We think you're wonderful **more hugs**

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

For that I'm glad.

[smidgy06.livejournal.com]

Dude, we need to get together and go bowling because hear hear!

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

My next visit to Canada we should crack open the Belgian beer.

[smidgy06.livejournal.com]

I'll stick with Canadian, I wasn't too fussy on the Belgian.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

I think I might have to sneak in some Bartles and James, because honestly, I can't stand beer.

[smidgy06.livejournal.com]

Bartles and James wine coolers? We have that. Or at least we did many moons ago - I haven't looked for it in ever.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

Yes, the wine coolers. Also, they're so weak, I can't get drunk off of them. Which is actually doubly brilliant, because me drunk would just mean more of the above post rather than the happy. THAT IS NO GOOD.

[smidgy06.livejournal.com]

Well if you don't want to bring booze into Canada we've plenty of drinks over here that won't get you drunk.

Sometimes drinking makes me feel even shittier about myself but sometimes it gives me confidence or well it makes me feel that it's okay to talk to people. It's always a crapshoot.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Dearheart, I don't know what to tell you that you'll listen to or agree with. I go through the same feelings at least once a week and hell, if I knew how to fix these times, believe me I'd share it with you.

You have nothing to worry about in regards to your writing - you know how incredible and creative it is. And no one is wonderful all the time, especially not to themselves. But you're wonderful enough for all your friends, and that means something.

I don't know what to tell you about school or anything but I'm happy to talk to you about it, or just listen (you could even call me, omg). I wish I could offer something more...but you know how I feel about naked Jared. :p

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Also drugs are bad for you. :(

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

I was kidding. I was trying to write this post without being like, I HATE MY LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK. And go at it with a more humorous streak. My therapist said I was way too good at laughing at my problems. I don't think I do that enough on lj though.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

But nobody else but me thinks so. That's my problem, you know? I sit there and feel like I've done something amazing and everybody else walks on by like it's just a street sign or a telephone pole they see every day. I know I'm pathetic relying so heavily on external validation, but...I don't know how to stop.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Dude. Welcome to a large number of days in my life.

You've seen my need for constant validation; that's one of the reasons I got all up in that wank: because at least you and I are aware of that, but when people think they're above it I am much irked.

It's not pathetic, it's just the way things are. Show me someone who honestly, truly creates for themselves and I'll show you someone who doesn't post stuff in public hoping for some kind of recognition. It's the way people are.

People do notice, though. It's just that often they don't say anything.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

Demanding comments like that girl did was pathetic.

And then I am just not the person people give a shit about.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Obviously, people give a shit, or people wouldn't be trying to help you back up when you've fallen.

But sometimes recognizing someone else's success is hard to do, whether it's because finding the right words is difficult or because you're secretly jealous and wish the success was yours.

I dunno. I'm not saying anything worthwhile.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

...although as I read this, here's a thought.

OCD.

That's what I have - aside from the insanity, it manifests as a kind of perilous perfectionism. Nothing will ever be good enough. If it's not good enough for me, it won't be good enough for anyone, and no one will care. And it has to be good, at any cost. It has to be the best or it's never worth it.

Is it anything like that?

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

Dude, I know I have OCD. I'm a counter and a cleaner. But I'm more along the line of obsessive than compulsive.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

No you are. And I'm sorry. I know I can be really frustrating.

I have discovered something. When I am depressed, everybody puts in their two cents to tell me that I am crazy and that people do love me. But they aren't there the rest of the time. That's what kills me. I want to be the person that people want to know even when I'm not having epic freak outs.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

It's all right, I know I can be too. It's the joy of depression-ness!

I always look forward to your entries. Unfortunately, often I suck at saying something. But you're on my filters -and I do have them, and use them- for a reason. I care about what you have to say. I dunno if just knowing that helps, but I can try to do better at showing it.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

*pet pet* You should know that I'm not talking about you when I refer to these times.

[perpetualloser.livejournal.com]

Aw, chicky. Sometimes when I feel like you at the moment, (and trust me, it happens more frequently than I'd like to admit) I get in my car and basically get lost. I drive backroads and vary between singing to Kelly Clarkson and simply talking my way through everything. Eventually, I come to the conclusion that I'm not as horrible as I make myself out to be. And instead of thinking about the problems, I reason solutions. Even if they're absurd or illogical, sometimes it just helps.
Or... if you find anyone to tie naked to a pole, I can offer you my services. :p

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

I should try that. Only with Savage Garden rather than Kelly Clarkson. Yes indeed. That sounds quite nice.

As for duct taping people to poles, I have a list, can you render yourself available?

[magikalrhiannon.livejournal.com]

Huh. No wonder I wanted to get to know you better. My husband has OCD (among others). I totally get what you say a lot of the time - I'm just not that great at expressing it myself. Personally I think the obsessions are harder than the compulsions because a) it's not visible, and b) it's just as hard to stop as the compulsions.

I know what you mean about feeling lonely even when you're surrounded by people. I have no ideas to make it better though, I'm sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't, other than trying to focus on the positive than the negative. Easier said than done sometimes though. Chin up love, it'll get better I'm sure.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

I think as well as the manic narcissism I might just be plain manic. Because I'm okay now. So you're right it did get better. Words of wisdom or not, I was glad to read what you had to say. I AM NOT ALONE.

[cerberos.livejournal.com]

Dear Lauren,

You're hot.

Love,
Meredith

P.S. My mother's been on me about my weight, too - it may just be a mother thing, rather than there being an actual, legitimate problem.
Also, this is pretty much how I felt for the entirety of June. And the only thing I can say is that I hope one day you wake up and realize that it's not true that you're doing everything wrong or unwanted.
When you doubt yourself, sometimes it's just a matter of having faith in other people to see what you can't at the moment.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

To Meredith,
Re: my being hot and basically everything else

Thank you.

Love,
Lauren

[thirtysec0nds.livejournal.com]

oh good so's mine I was like... ok dude so what I gained like another dress size I used to be TINY and now I am NOT SO TINY BUT NOT NOT TINYISH *glares at her* gotta love mothers

[lekkerstuk.livejournal.com]

Hey sweetie, buck up cowgirl! Don't worry about your mom commenting on your weight. I long ago realized that that is just something that Dutch people do ad nauseum.

I'm sure there is an actual technical term or something in the DSM, but I call it a "shit spiral." If you are a bit of a perfectionist, if one thing goes wrong, it is hard to stop yourself from skidding out of control. It's all very all-or-nothing. I know because I'm like this too. Everything is connected to each other, including you writing and your mood and your weight. After a bad day I'll just say "fuck it." I might as well just not do my laundry/eat this whole pizza/not take a shower/not go out with my friends cause I already feel like shit anyways.

Now this may be bad advice (since no one ever asks me for advice I'm not very good at it), but sometimes you just need to force yourself do do something you normally enjoy, as a way of breaking out of the "shit spiral." Go out with your friends even if you are afraid you'll be bad company. Read one of your favorite books or stories.

Just remember how many people care about you. We barely know each other and I want you to feel better!

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

It was good advice. I put on loud music and danced around while I folded the laundry.

"Slow ride, take it easy."

[lekkerstuk.livejournal.com]

Nice! I always forget how cathartic music can be. I'm glad you're doing better.

[poninepontmercy.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. You just described a lot of what I feel 90% of the time. I don't have any answers for you, otherwise I'd be a very different person. But I do have many, many hugs. That I will give you as soon as I see you again, but you will have to content yourself with virtual hugs for now.

Oh, and don't go the pot route. It's not worth it, trust me. See my most recent post.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

You know I won't go the pot route, I was being rather facetious.

[bananafish.livejournal.com]

1. DON'T listen to what your mother--or anyone else with a history of image problems--says about your weight. Okay, first of all, isn't it normal to gain weight freshman year? The 15 and all that? So you're not alone, at least. If it doesn't bother you, ignore them (yeah, easier said than done, I know...). If it does bother you (and has nothing to do with media brainwashing, etc), what worked for me was to find a substitute for food as an anxiety reducer (which I suspect might be part of this--that's my problem, at least). Music, getting out of the house, a bath, whatever. And dude, pot is totally overrated. It just worsens my anxiety.

YOU SAID LAST WEEK YOU LIKED YOUR WRITING! You were talking about how much you loved your blockbusters class and prof, and you have some idea what you would like to do with your life. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I had kind of gotten the idea you liked your history classes (Lauren? A history buff? Naah...)

If you find the disorder, tell me. I think that feeling isn't at all uncommon (though I tend to spend more of my life in the second mindset). I'd say just plow through the insecure times and enjoy the narcissistic ones if you can at all. Also, if you do amass acolytes, a masseuse would probably help ease tension.

No pot. (See above.) (True but unrelated story: Atrix's brother walks in on our discussion of how to curb my caffeine addiction right as she says "You know, I hear crack has similar effects. You should try that." He then explains, in complete seriousness, that we'll "be seeing a lot of cocaine in New York," probably within the first week of being there. I found this amusing because her brother is awkward, kind of like Max Fox.)

The obvious response to all of this life-shit is that you are good enough, you retard, and you need to start appreciating it. I hope that someday you will encounter, briefly, a group of insanely stupid, obnoxious people that make you realize how important intelligence and social grace are.

If we were in my car, I would put on Savage Garden's I Want You. (Put it on for me.)

Also, answer your phone, please.

[I just attempted to write "I love you, Lauren" in the accent of that priest in The Princess Bride, but your name came out as Wauwen, which kind of ruined it. Just so you know.]

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

1. BUT MY MOMMY'S RIGHT. MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL I WEIGHED 148 LBS AND WAS LIKE, YIKES TOO HEAVY. NOW I'M TEN POUNDS HEAVIER THAN THAT. IT'S NO GOOD. But I thank you for trying.

2. My point about my mania-like narcissism exactly. I think we can look at my mood behavior like a sine wave with like an uber huge amplitude. OHMYGOD, I'm such a dork for that reference.

3. NOBODY CAN TOUCH ME. EVEN IN MY MOST NARCISSISTIC PHASES I WILL NOT LET THEM NEAR ME.

4. Pot: I was being facetious. How can you claim to have MET me if you thought I was being serious about the pot thing. ;p

5. WE ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER. I only had AC/DC's Stiff Upper Lip. But I actually like that album after all. Please don't throw stuff at me. And I like you. And your uber long comment of doom. or the opposite of doom.

What the hell. I'm talking nonsense. As for Wauwen, as my brother actually does call me that, I think I'll survive.

[memphis86.livejournal.com]

Hi, I would have responded the other day but I was trying not to tear my own hair out and I couldn't say anything helpful or constructive.

Um, I think you're awesome. *hugs you* And I'm a wee bit tipsy and I'm a wordy philosophical drunk, so here goes: I emphasize completely with the rollercoaster of self-esteem and self-doubt. And there's no real answer for how to cure it, or how to live with it.

You just try and make things a little less sucky each day, and you have plenty of time to figure this all out. And you can't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect and loved and adored all the time, because NO ONE IS.

I think my point is, I'm sorry you're down. But things do get better over time, really. You just have to ride the freakouts through and get stronger. I hope that made sense. Blargh, I need sleep.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

I understand. I was just having bitchy-emo post of doom. Commenting is just enabling me really. ALTHOUGH I APPRECIATE IT. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I woke up this morning and felt a lot better. I put Foghat on while I did the ironing and folding and mending (god, how housewifey am I?), and went crazy. I'm sure my neighbors didn't appreciate it.

*hugs back*

[thirtysec0nds.livejournal.com]

I know how it feels though that doesn't make it any better.

But this is up to you and no one else. You aren't happy with things? Then change them, step back, look at what you don't like and make plans to change it. Find the bright points of life and look at them rather than into the darkness. You my dear are a star, a star that others cluster around to reflect the amazing light that comes from you, but right now there isn't as much, do not doubt yourself because we all know you are a truely amazing and magnificent person. You are loved, so utterly, do not loose sight of that. Do what you need to and build yourself back up again.

I know you can, because I'm learning to do the same

[thirtysec0nds.livejournal.com]

oh and I did get the pot joke *laughs at the idea of you even looking at it* here have some custard and naked smexy men *passes over and holds out hands for the tv guide* now whats on tele hrmm