Telling this to go away is like telling the stars to stop shining

[sweetprince]

I'm tired, you guys. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with everything and disappointed in myself. I gained a lot of weight in college, as my mother must perrenially remind me. I've started running again now that I'm home and don't have to worry about getting mugged at gun point, but it's not like it's all melting off. The minute I start freaking out about my appearance, it's like all the other shit comes creeping in.

I'm frustrated and disappointed with my writing and my school work and my decisions. I'm sitting here plagued by doubts. About everything. I'm a walking conflicted-doubt machine person. I'm torn between thinking "I AM WONDERFUL, WHERE ARE MY ACOLYTES?" and "I hate myself and I shall amount to shredded paper for the rest of my life." I think it's time they come up with a new disorder--manic narcissism or something.

So what do I do, guys? The obvious solution would be to smoke so much pot I simply don't care about ANYTHING other than my next toke, but then I would probably become more rotund rather than less. And I'd probably have a paranoid schizoid episode and even THAT would be spoiled.

I'm just so lonely. Even when I'm with friends. I want to feel wanted for something, like I'm doing something right, rather than the constant litany of why aren't I good enough?

Comments

[memphis86.livejournal.com]

Hi, I would have responded the other day but I was trying not to tear my own hair out and I couldn't say anything helpful or constructive.

Um, I think you're awesome. *hugs you* And I'm a wee bit tipsy and I'm a wordy philosophical drunk, so here goes: I emphasize completely with the rollercoaster of self-esteem and self-doubt. And there's no real answer for how to cure it, or how to live with it.

You just try and make things a little less sucky each day, and you have plenty of time to figure this all out. And you can't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect and loved and adored all the time, because NO ONE IS.

I think my point is, I'm sorry you're down. But things do get better over time, really. You just have to ride the freakouts through and get stronger. I hope that made sense. Blargh, I need sleep.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

I understand. I was just having bitchy-emo post of doom. Commenting is just enabling me really. ALTHOUGH I APPRECIATE IT. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I woke up this morning and felt a lot better. I put Foghat on while I did the ironing and folding and mending (god, how housewifey am I?), and went crazy. I'm sure my neighbors didn't appreciate it.

*hugs back*