Telling this to go away is like telling the stars to stop shining

[sweetprince]

I'm tired, you guys. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with everything and disappointed in myself. I gained a lot of weight in college, as my mother must perrenially remind me. I've started running again now that I'm home and don't have to worry about getting mugged at gun point, but it's not like it's all melting off. The minute I start freaking out about my appearance, it's like all the other shit comes creeping in.

I'm frustrated and disappointed with my writing and my school work and my decisions. I'm sitting here plagued by doubts. About everything. I'm a walking conflicted-doubt machine person. I'm torn between thinking "I AM WONDERFUL, WHERE ARE MY ACOLYTES?" and "I hate myself and I shall amount to shredded paper for the rest of my life." I think it's time they come up with a new disorder--manic narcissism or something.

So what do I do, guys? The obvious solution would be to smoke so much pot I simply don't care about ANYTHING other than my next toke, but then I would probably become more rotund rather than less. And I'd probably have a paranoid schizoid episode and even THAT would be spoiled.

I'm just so lonely. Even when I'm with friends. I want to feel wanted for something, like I'm doing something right, rather than the constant litany of why aren't I good enough?

Comments

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

Obviously, people give a shit, or people wouldn't be trying to help you back up when you've fallen.

But sometimes recognizing someone else's success is hard to do, whether it's because finding the right words is difficult or because you're secretly jealous and wish the success was yours.

I dunno. I'm not saying anything worthwhile.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

...although as I read this, here's a thought.

OCD.

That's what I have - aside from the insanity, it manifests as a kind of perilous perfectionism. Nothing will ever be good enough. If it's not good enough for me, it won't be good enough for anyone, and no one will care. And it has to be good, at any cost. It has to be the best or it's never worth it.

Is it anything like that?

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

Dude, I know I have OCD. I'm a counter and a cleaner. But I'm more along the line of obsessive than compulsive.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

No you are. And I'm sorry. I know I can be really frustrating.

I have discovered something. When I am depressed, everybody puts in their two cents to tell me that I am crazy and that people do love me. But they aren't there the rest of the time. That's what kills me. I want to be the person that people want to know even when I'm not having epic freak outs.

[maypirate.livejournal.com]

It's all right, I know I can be too. It's the joy of depression-ness!

I always look forward to your entries. Unfortunately, often I suck at saying something. But you're on my filters -and I do have them, and use them- for a reason. I care about what you have to say. I dunno if just knowing that helps, but I can try to do better at showing it.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

*pet pet* You should know that I'm not talking about you when I refer to these times.