For those who have found the courage to die, we salute you

[sweetprince]

More than anything else, I'm afraid of being dead. I'm not religious, so perhaps this dead idea presents a large problem for me than it does for other people who have faith in something, but I believe in a world where there is nothing. And it scares me so much.

The idea of being without consciousness, awareness, thought...I just, I can't grasp that. And occasionally it siezes me, grabs my heart and squeezes. I'm sitting here, back on the East Coast, completely alone, and all I can think of is, one day, I will cease to exist. My mother says it's wonderful, a nice rest, but I can't feel that way.

The world will be moving on without me, writing books and making movies and coming up with whacky ideas like ipods and portable phones. I have no pretensions, I will be only a minor footnote, a name next to a social security number in a long list of records.

I'm not scared of it. I'm terrified.

Comments

[soberpleasure.livejournal.com]

these are the most frightening thoughts ever, especially if you think about this before you go to sleep.
i hate when i start thinking about it...
one thing though...most of us are footnotes in the general scheme of things, except when it comes to those who love us. you will never be just a foot note to your friends and family. maybe that's the only thing of meaning in our lives or death-the foot prints we leave in other people's hearts and those they leave in ours.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

Er, that's kind of what I did.

ARG. I'm really sorry, I didn't really think anybody shared this fear with me, because all my friends always look at me strange. BLAH. I didn't mean to make you think of it. I'm really sorry.

Also, that's really poetic.

[molotov-bitch.livejournal.com]

Fucking hell, I'm right with you there. Death scares the shit out of me and what's more, lately I can't stop thinking about it. Somebody just has to mention the word and I get this horrible sensation like a hand is squeezing my heart. I think if I was religious it'd be worse because I'd sure as fuck be going to hell. I think the thing I'm most afraid of is that no-one will remember me. I don't have a lot of friends at all, you see, and I'm always worrying that I'm not doing something worthwhile with my life, not because of what people will think or what benefit it will have to me now, but because I want to feel I've contributed to the world in some way and I want to be remembered for something.

I think that what you have to do is just enjoy life while you can because spending it thinking about death is stupid. This is why I don't like religion, because it basically means you spend your whole life worrying about what'll happen when you die.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

I don't think you've done anything bad enough to go to hell. Listening to music that isn't Schubert and reading fic about boys who fuck each other is not so bad.

I'm afraid of that too. But you're right. Of course you're right. I don't think of it often, but sometimes I'm just siezed by fear.

[thelonejuliet.livejournal.com]

Awww, sweetie. I feel you.

Seriously, there are sometimes that I go into full panic attacks about this. It's just...yeah. It scares me to the point that I can barely breathe, literally, and am just a totaly, crying mess.

It's good to know I'm not alone.

*HUGS*

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

INDEED. Seriously. I thought I was freak about this whole dead thing.

[thelonejuliet.livejournal.com]

Honestly? I did too.

I can remember even back when I was, like, 5-6 years old, crying about it. It's just...*shudders*

[klgrem.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. *hugs*

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* I'm glad.

[maboheme.livejournal.com]

i'm sort of obsessed with death, and hell, it's depressing. it's like i spend this big chunk of my life thinking, shit, i'm gonna die. it can happen at any moment. i'm going to just not exist.

and you pretty much summed up the devestation of it: The idea of being without consciousness, awareness, thought.... Seriously, how does one deal with this?

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

IDUNKNOW. ARG. I talked with my therapist about it once and walked away feeling, if anything, WORSE.

[memphis86.livejournal.com]

You will never die, and I will never have babies and we will be old and writing Wincest and our grandchildren (mine, adopted from John Stewart, my 3rd husband) will sit with us and type up our epic Hair-dresser!Jensen and Shaggy!Jared fics. TRUE.

Also, *hugs you muchly*.

[dark-reaction.livejournal.com]

Can we live in a castle in scotland? And have lots of cats? And vacation in Greece?

[memphis86.livejournal.com]

YES! Because I actually have European citizenship that I can claim. And we can be like, the gurus that young Wincesters come to worship, like yogis on a mountain.